How Will I Know?

How Will I Know?

It is a question I have asked myself a million times. I searched all the wrong places that seemed so right for the answer. I believe now that God wanted it that way. Had I not, I wouldn’t know that what I now feel is the real deal. The very essence of His Holy Spirit dwelling within me. I remember being scared of knowing. Knowing who I truly am. Because the fact is when you know who You truly are, you are nothing. That statement may offend some. Like you don’t matter? Like you have no relevance? Yup. Who in this day and age with the sensationalized era of Social Media would desire to be nothing? Not feeling the approval? The approval we so desperately desire from what the media portrays.

I used to joke about how serious not being cool was. Back in the ’90s and early 2000’s you were actually more important if you weren’t really talked about!!!

Let that breathe.

So here I am. Finally, not a care in the world about being known. Well, not completely but I don’t let it consume me. We are human so it is natural to want to be loved and desired. But at what cost? That is where I confused it all. Finding out who Jesus was and how much He loved me over the past couple of years slowly changed the game for me. I went from thinking it was about me, to knowing, that it is all about Him. I let my ego go and made room for Him to take up space within me.

As I sit here on February 1, 2021, I can’t help but look back to last year where I thought I had it all figured out. It was a year beginning with growth in my faith and lots of tests. I remember feeling anger and frustration. I remember the day I left a famed beauty school as a guest speaker (another conversation, another day). A day I will never forget. A day that would foreshadow the events to come that I will share at a later time. I remember feeling hurt. But at who? God. Not even really understanding at the time that I was mad at God for believing I left not feeling the value I deserved. Looking at that day’s perspective I guess my feelings were warranted. But looking through the lens and perspective that I have today, I see that He was doing me a favor. I say favor because despite how I left that school on that day – feeling good, or bad- God owes me absolutely nothing! It takes a special sense of wisdom to say that statement and to truly understand what it means. For that reason and that reason alone, I am proud to say that I am nothing. You know why? Because with Him, I am everything and more.

I Just Know. -TBM®